Napoleon Complex

Chatter:

 

Summer of 2017, 5:10 am, pre-Wednesday MOB Post

Joker to Urkel: How are you?

Urkel: My soul is well.

 

 

May 8, 2018 at Bluffton Moes

YHC (after compiling numbers on fundraising efforts): We are at $59,085… We need 1,000 more.

Dabo: Gambit probably did not pay.

YHC: Just texted Gambit. He said he paid and called me an idiot. 12 Gauge concurred with Gambit’s opinion of me.

Stones: Let’s review again.

Dabo: “So and So” has not paid. That gives us $60,085!

Stones and YHC: nailed it!

 

 

Fall 2017 Text Exchange

Dabo: We need to go ahead and register a fifth team.

YHC: Don’t do that. We don’t have the numbers.

Dabo: Shut up, Judy.

 

December 2017

At Treadmill at Benchmark Fitness

YHC: You running the P200?

Romo: Yeah, of course. (with that grin)

YHC: I ask stupid questions.

 

March 2018 Carbo Dinner Text Exchange

YHC: Flea, can you get your company to pay for carbo dinner?

Flea: done.

….

(YHC, Flea, Peaches and Swanson)

Swanson: We should organize this dinner planning.

YHC: Why? We will just throw a s#$t load of this and a s#$t load of that in a pot. Easy.

Swanson: Why don’t you let me handle this dinner?

Peaches: I agree with Swanson.

 

Multiple Months 2018

YHC: Did y’all see Dave Ramsey’s/Crop Duster’s/Nancy Drew’s ankle?

PAX: yeah, pretty gross.

YHC: No way they are going to be able to run.

PAX: Shut up Judy.

 

March 21, 2018 Carbo Dinner

Dwight: My team’s expected finish time is 6:56 pm on Saturday.

YHC: Well, dinner reservation is at 7:00 pm. Good luck with that.

Dwight: I have to leave. (bolts to contact race director).

 

YHC and Many other PAX: Has anyone seen Mono? Is he running?

(insert crickets chirping)

 

PAX:

Snowflakes: Buckeye(Captain), Slim Shady (“Captain”), Gambit, Judge Judy, Gump, Updike, Ray, Sawed Off, 12 Gauge, Static, Whip, Dabo

 

Silkies: Squid(Captain), Squealer (Captain), Bartman, Chumbucket, Cubby, Flea, Peaches, Mono, Stamps, Bilbo Baggins, Boomer, Shingles.

 

Gun Runners: Ballcock (Captain), Flo-Ride (Captain), Big Easy, Crop Duster, Diapers, Bolton, Nancy Drew, Simpson, Sparrow, Spaulding, Swanson, Romo.

 

Running Six/Sux: Dave Ramsey, Jax, Mr. Clean, Moped, Christian, Carson, Big Perm, Valley Girl, Chomp, Keegan, Dalton, Handy Manny, Paladin, Twinkle, Aaron, Madoff

 

F3 Bluffton Old Town: Dwight (Captain), Timmons (F3 name unknown, even by Timmons), Walk Off, Bryan, Kevin, Gomer, Paris, Big Spur, Noel, Ray, Randy, Compost

 

Two years ago, 12 F3 Bluffton PAX set off for the Palmetto 200. One year ago 24  F3 Bluffton PAX set off for the Palmetto 200. On March 22nd/23rd 60 F3 Lowcountry PAX set off for the Palmetto 200.

 

Weather was perfect for a 200 mile mosey. It always is. Cool and clear.

 

Disclaimer: YHC is sure one was thrown in there at some point.

 

The Thang:

 

The old saying is “getting there is half the fun.” That saying is stupid, but it makes sense for the Palmetto 200. 60 PAX split up into 5 teams for a 200 plus mile mosey from Lexington, SC to Mt. Pleasant, SC. Each team member will run 3 different legs of varying distances. It is a relay race with each team member passing a slap bracelet as opposed to a baton. The race does not stop until completion and runs through the night until the slap bracelet crosses the finish line, preferably with all teammates and shovel flag following closely behind.

 

Thursday Evening March 22nd

Team Gun Runners, unable to wait until the 23rd to be elbow to elbow with their fellow PAX, drove to Columbia SC for a hotel stay prior to their early morning departure for the P200. Despite renting one room with one king bed for 12 PAX, all but one slept soundly for their upcoming journey.  Simpson, following an awkwardly long shower in stall number 7 at the gas station off 95 (the one with the Cinnabon), could not sleep. His thought focused on one simple yet monumental question: “Will this finally be the year I do not get passed by a pregnant woman?!?!”

 

Little did they know, team Gun Runners had a very long run ahead of them. Rumor has it that the Ghost of Team Gun Runners is still running the trails of Santee park, forever lost.

 

Meanwhile the team with the most original name, “F3 Bluffton Old Town”, Team Captain Dwight is scrambling. After several heated arguments, Dwight is able to convince the race director that he is not sandbagging and must have his race start time changed to an earlier start.  Mission accomplished, and he begins letting his team know that the departure from Bluffton is now 12:30 am. Have a good sleep. The van ride to Columbia turned into intense negotiations as Big Spur convinced Ray to switch legs. Ray had 15 miles, Big Spur 19. With the promise of Lonestar BBQ and the threat of a punch in the face, Big Spur is successful.

 

Silkies and Running Six sleep soundly (or not at all) awaiting their very early morning departures to Columbia.

 

Team Snowflake will be the last to depart Bluffton for the Palmetto 200. With a late start, sleep was not an issue for all but two PAX. Slim Shady could not sleep. Taking his role as team captain as his number one priority, he worked through the night to make sure everything was ready. For Static, sleep was impossible. With an array of excel sheets and flow charts, he frantically “checked boxes” the entire night. Everything must be organized. Everything must be packed.

 

5 teams, 10 vans 60 PAX and 1 questionable device stored in Bolton’s trash bag luggage have officially departed Bluffton for the Palmetto 200.

 

Running Sux is the first team out the gate with a 4:20 am start. Running Sux is made up of Lowcountry PAX, mainly from the Buck, a Savannah PAX and father/son duos.  Let’s face it, Running Sux is a perfect name for this group, many of which should not be running a 200-mile relay race. Mr. Clean can bench press 460 pounds while scrolling his facebook feed (true story), but the Good Lord did not create him in the likeness of a gazelle or any other graceful running being. Chomp is a beast. His Qs are always on point and he has no quit in him, but let’s get real, he may not have been built for distance running. YHC caught up with Running Sux early morning on Saturday at a van transition area. Chomp, without panic, informs YHC that the next van is not there for the handoff. No bother, he takes it upon himself to run the next leg. Running Sux finished strong with a sub 10:00/ mile average and finishing time of 34:25.54.

 

F3 Bluffton Gun Runners was next up with a 5:40 am start. Fresh from an extended spoon session at the Holiday Inn, team GR was ready to make an impact. What they lacked in speed, they made up for in offensive gun rhetoric. Even local law enforcement was called in at one point (See Ball Cock for great story on this). Evidently, their bullet riddled vans, expertly designed but offensive shirts, and Bolton’s board shorts had frightened the local snowflakes.

 

Bolton, with his new-found Charlestonian “I’m better than you” arrogance, used the 200 to push essential oils on the PAX. Rumor has it he was working with Stones in an elaborate pyramid scheme to push oils and other questionable items on the PAX. Beware.

 

Despite his peddling of essential oil and wreaking of ben gay and garlic chicken, Bolton (aka Princess) came up strong by finishing Spaulding’s last leg. Good work Princess.

 

Mission accomplished for Simpson. He was not passed by pregnant women. Just kidding, he got smoked by an 8 month, 3 week pregnant woman. Just like with Carolina football, there is always next year. Joking aside, Simpson has no quit button. Impressive runs Simpson.

 

F3 Gun Runners paced right ahead of Running Sux with a sub 10:00/ mile pace and finishing time of 34:25:54.

 

Team Silkies was next out the gate. Silkies has become a term of respect in the F3 Lowcountry community. Yes, YHC still cringes when Squid sits opposite during Mary. We all do. However, in some twisted unexplainable fate, the term silkies is now a reminder of HIM in the Lowcountry Community.

 

YHC digresses.

 

Silkies is comprised of experienced F3 PAX most of which are type A “I’m going to one up the hell out of you” high impact men. Shingles brought an entire grocery store, every piece of running gear known to man, and a full-service energy drink bar, can’t one up that! Stamps says I call that and raise you 150 signs I am going to put all over the course, can’t one up that! Squid says I’m going to one up all you MFers and wear even shorter shorts, can’t one up that! Flea says I’m a drummer with badass tattoos, can’t one up that! Squealer says “I’m going to one up this whole race and take the van off-roading! You will bow to me and call me Mayhem!” Bilbo chimes in with, “I will start every running leg with a cartwheel, but not girlie cartwheels, they will be manly. Remember that time I played Division I football?!” can’t one up that! Chumbucket quietly reminds everyone that he has worked out 189 consecutive days. Game over.

 

This was just the ride up to the starting line.

 

The recipe for Silkie’s successful run was one part ego, one part experience, and one part spite. Or maybe it was three parts spite. Either way, they crushed it. Stamps ran PR legs. Cubby, as always, gets the job done each and every run. They both are sneaky fast. Silkies comes in at a sub 9:00/mile pace and time of 30:48:03. Well done boys.

 

F3 Bluffton Old Town hit the road early at 4:40 am in fear of not making it back in time for dinner. The fear was unwarranted. Team BOT’s name sucks, but they didn’t. Dwight led a mismatched PAX who followed without question or complaint. Three crossfit HIM took the plunge, one of which (Walk Off) was still recovering from the Palmetto Bluffton Marathon.

 

Team BOT should have been called team rookie. Dwight, as an experienced runner and race trainer, wanted to form his team his way and chose a bunch of newbies. Kevin took the lead, which made sense since he has never been to F3, signed up two weeks prior, and did not train for the event.  No pressure. Big Spur, high off his successful negotiations with Ray, then convinces Noel that Noel should run leg seven. Noel crushed leg seven, finishing with a smile littered with curse words (he’s Irish). After that it got weird with Paris and Sparks realizing they both had perfect porn names. Mike Zorn and Randy Sparks. They have since moved to LA for “new career opportunities.”

 

Compost, Big Spur (despite being directionally challenged) and Paris hit highs with PR performances. Ray (aka Jay) was let loose, and crushed it for team BOT. Timmons, Bryan and Walk Off did their thing, no complaints, just hustle and get the job done.

 

Team BOT finished with a very respectable 8:22/mile pace for a final time of 28:57:17.

 

Team Snowflake was last out the gate. The van ride was interesting and somewhat sobering (more on that later). The party started at Elite PT parking lot for a late departure. Ray laced up his 1974 Nikes, put on his running scrubs and the vans were off. In true Dabo style, van 2 was a A-Team replica to perfection. Van 2 wins the small penis award.

 

Team Snowflake took off strong, with Whip hitting leg one hard and fast. Then came leg two. With high expectations of taking the F3 Palmetto 200 title, was leg two a foreshadow of its ultimate demise? YHC started strong, but as his quickly paced mile four slipped into a hilly struggle at mile five, he was “killed”. By a child. A 14-year old child. Luckily, Gambit comforted YHC with the simple reminder that YHC has slammed more beers than the 14-year old. Thanks Gambit. Van two, loaded down with boiled eggs and after numerous tickle fights between Shady and 12-gauge, took off with a strong leg seven by Gambit who was motivated by PAX screaming “fat-ass” at him as he tackled “that hill” on leg 7.

 

Team Snowflake was strong. Very strong. YHC can’t name every performance because they were all A+ with maximum effort. Snowflake finished with a 7:15/mile pace and finishing time of 25:04:19.

 

All PAX converged at the finishing line. With Static on the music, the party was strong. F3 Lowcoutry did not win any awards. It did not need to…

 

Moleskin:

 

Team Snowflake, Van 1’s ride to the starting line was eventful. And sad. As Van 1 circled the interstate exit, only a few minutes from the starting line, a man was sitting on the overpass ledge and by all accounts appeared willing, able, and ready to jump into oncoming traffic. The police were there, but keeping a safe distance as not to instigate the man from taking the plunge. Whip immediately commands the music be silenced and begins praising the Lord in prayer for saving the man’s life. Just as the prayer left his lips, YHC witnessed, in his rear-view mirror, two police officers pull the man safely from the concrete ledge. Whip was there at the right time and at the right moment, and the Lord heard his prayer.

 

When YHC overheard Joker ask that simple question “how are you?” last summer, Urkel’s response was bothersome. Normal people just say “I’m fine” or “It’s 5:10 am, I’m tired.” Urkel’s response was strong and affirmative. YHC knew immediately, in good weather and in bad, Urkel’s soul was well. He understood the peace which passes all understanding. Again, YHC was bothered and challenged. YHC came for a workout, not to be challenged.

 

YHC can name three suicides over the last 18 months in the Lowcountry. Three suicides by men with children with careers with loving wives. The demands of life had become too much. It is real. The demands pile on and before we know it we succumb to the world’s belief of “only if…” or “when I do this…” or “as soon as I accomplish…” or “once my kid can…” only to find that we have lost our grip on what truly matters and find Urkel’s response bothersome and uncomfortable.

 

It is more important than ever that we keep pushing the rock. #ISI

 

So, how did 60 men (and all other F3 Lowcountry PAX) from the low country pull together to complete a 200-mile relay race and raise over $60,000 for the Lowcountry community?

 

Was it because we have a guy named Dabo who annoyingly refuses to take no for an answer, and is constantly pushing the man next to him? Or is it because we have a guy named Chumbucket who refuses to let the six finish alone? Or is it because we have a guy named Sparrow who, despite questionable training due to a very busy schedule, always takes on Leg 7 with a passion like no other? Or is it because we have a guy named Stamps who refuses to think “inside the box” and always challenges himself and others to put in 110%? Or is it because we have a guy named Big Easy, who was there from day one leading the fundraising efforts? Or is it because we have a guy named Shingles who puts his money where is hashtag is and stepped up to title sponsor this race (not to mention ran on an injury)? Or is it because we have a group of crossfit guys named Bryan, Timmons and Walk Off who never complain, get the job done, stepped up to the plate and are all around beasts? Or is it because we have a guy named Bartman who has earned the title “Respect” not by his age, but by the way he runs with purpose and puts the young ones to shame in a boot camp? Or is it because we have a guy named Gambit, who has earned his right to be named Bluffton’s biggest asshole, who refuses to let the man next to him fail, and who has mastered the definition of tough love? Or is it because we have a guy named Cubby who steadily pushes the rock and always seems to have fun doing it? Or is it because we have a guy named Slim Shady who, despite his less than enthusiastic captaining skills, always plays to win and has a good time doing it? Or is it because we have a guy named Big Spur who did not hesitate to sign up when asked by Dwight, trained every run day, posted on the regular (which is more than YHC can say) and crushed the runs? Or is it because we have a group of dads on Running Six who take the time to invest in their kids, put them to the test, and make them a part of something bigger than themselves? Or is it because we have a guy named Paladin who is the ultimate “I’ll do whatever is needed, just ask” kind of guy who jumped in the fundraising effort big time? Or is it because we have a guy named Ball Cock who has been committed to this group since day one, and led the way in crushing the fundraising? Or is it because we have a guy named Diapers who doesn’t understand social media, but is a huge leader at the MOB and quietly crushed the fundraising for this race? Or is it because we have a guy named Compost who jumped in the race last minute, despite not being a distance runner, because team BOT needed him? Or is it because we have a guy with a fanny pack named Peaches who has a knack for finding a solution to a problem without the need for any credit or recognition?  Or is it because there is a guy in Savannah named F3 Twinkle that saw an F3 team was short one man and did what I hope all of us would do, he signed up? Or is it because we have a guy named Bilbo Baggins who became known as “that guy who does cartwheels” who crushed the course despite running a marathon 2 week prior? Or is it because we have a guy named Ray who only needs a pair of basketball shorts and some really old Nikes and he is ready to kick ass? Or is it because we have guy named Bolton who, despite moving to Charleston, knew this was something he needed to be a part of and ran with F3 Lowcountry?  Or is it because we have a guy named Spaulding who luckily was not scared off by Squid’s silkies at TYC, joined the race and made a huge dent in our fundraising? Or is it because we have a guy named Boomer Sooner whose positivity for life and his faith spreads to those around him? Or is it because we have a guy named Dwight who refused to enter the race back in October 2017, realized he was missing out on something bigger than himself, signed up to captain a team with a grand total of zero runners, relentlessly recruited and made it happened? Or is it because we have a group of guys on team BOT like Kevin, “Ray” (Jay), Gomer, Noel, Ray and Randy who said the heck with it, we follow Dwight, let’s do this? Or is it because we have a guy named Handy Manny who stepped up to AO Q the Buck and has quietly been leading this group since he started posting? Or is it because we have guys like Nancy Drew, Dave Ramsey, 12 Gauge and Crop Duster who took on the race when injury told them it wasn’t possible? Or is it because we have a guy named Swanson who somehow can organize the smoking of 300 plus pork butts and pull it off without breaking a sweat (ok, he did sweat a tad bit)? Or is it because we have a guy named Static whose love for 90s rap and knack for organizational spreadsheets made the trip easier and more enjoyable for everyone? Or is it because we have a guy named Squid who has created one heck of an AO on the Island, constantly pushes the rock, and loves to push the envelope? Or is it because we have a guy named Whip who has no idea how to pace, but always finishes faster than the guy next to him (except YHC #justsaying)? Or is it because we have a guy named Gump who, despite being the youngest, is always looking out for all of us? Or is it because we have guy named Flo-Ride who was the first to jump on as a sponsor for this race and didn’t get too upset when team Snowflake stole his runner Sawed Off (#sorrynotsorry)? Or is it because we have a guy named Romo who just gets shit done, and grins doing it? Or is it because we have guy named Mono who came up with the idea of a “run day” at the MOB close to three years ago only to only show up for the Palmetto 200? (Side note: Mono has the goal of completing a marathon without training. YHC has no doubt he can accomplish this) Or is it because we have a guy named Flea who effortlessly lifts up the spirits of the men around him? Or is it because we have a guy named Squealer who, despite his questionable driving skills, is always the first to volunteer? Or is it because we have a guy named Buckeye whose leadership abilities are second to none, a quality already evident in his oldest son? Or is it because we have a guy named Updike who can somehow smile while clipping at 6:00 minute mile pace, never hesitates to offer assistance and has some cool tattoos (Side note: YHC recently ran a marathon with Updike. During the marathon, Updike reached into his pocket, pulled out some cash and gave it to a homeless man. This was while we were clipping along at a 6:40 pace. True Story.)? Or is it because we have guys named Sawed Off and Simpson who did not hesitate to run this race despite having jobs with travel schedules that make training difficult and sometimes impossible? Or maybe it’s because we have a guy named Paris who took on fundraising and running full throttle?  Or maybe it’s because we have a guy named Stones who chose to help lead the fundraising efforts even though he could not run?

 

Or was it because there was whole group of non-P200 running F3 Lowcountry PAX that rallied behind this fundraiser and made it the success it was because they knew it was something bigger than a relay race?

 

Or maybe we are just a small group of guys from a small town with a big heart and even bigger Napoleon Complex?

 

-JJ

2 thoughts on “Napoleon Complex

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